uglyreal

It doesn’t matter than they don’t know exactly how I feel.

What matters is they know me.

What matters is, they have known me forever, and they know me better than I know me. They have been through the door for so long, they know they never have to knock.

What matters is, even if they haven’t known me forever, they know me well enough to know that when I open the door, I’m asking them to walk through it. It is a gift when they do.

I don’t open it for everyone.

For some, it really has been open forever.

For some, it opened slowly, quietly, and sensitively. But once it opened, they were through the door, and they knew they were there by invitation only.

And once they were there, they weren’t going anywhere.

They wouldn’t leave, but if they tried, I wouldn’t let them.

They are the ones who have to bear it with me.

They are the ones with whom I can have the conversation and not cry.

They are the ones with whom I can have the conversation and cry until I can’t cry anymore.

They are the ones who don’t have all of the right things to say.

They are the ones who don’t have to say anything.

But they don’t come until it is time.

Because they have known me forever.

Because they know me now.

Because they’ve always known they could.

Because I let them know they could.

Because they know it’s only time when it is time.

So they know when it is time, I will ask.

I will ask them.

Because I know I can.

Because they know who they are to me.

They are the ones who help me try to figure out how to get through the next thing of which I’m scared, even though I haven’t told them it is the next thing and that I’m scared.

They are the one who will get me through the next thing, because I didn’t realize it was the next thing and that I will be scared.

They are the ones who are two steps ahead of me.

They are the ones who are planning for the next thing so they can get me through it.

They are the ones who spend their time trying to figure out how they can be my wall.

They are the ones who recognize and don’t judge that my wall is necessary.

They are the ones who have figured out just how much I hate that a wall is necessary.

They are the ones who know I don’t know me anymore.

They are the ones who do.

They are the ones willing to say, “Don’t look at her.”

They are the ones willing to say, “Don’t come too close.”

They are the ones willing to say, “She isn’t ready.”

They are the ones willing to say, “If I’ve let know you she isn’t ready, and you still try, you have to go through me first.

Because I meant it then.

I mean it now.

Don’t.”

They are also the ones that can look at me and know when it is okay.

They are the ones who can look at me and know it is okay to say, “Come on through.”

They are the ones who, when I can’t figure out my Precautions, figure them out for me.

They are the ones who recognize my triggers.

They are the ones who validate that those triggers are real.

They are the ones hell-bent and determined to prevent the preventable triggers.

They are the ones hell-bent and determined to pick me up when the unpreventable triggers bring me to my knees.

They are the ones who carry me home.

They are the ones willing to say what they have to say, do what they have to do, no matter the end result, so long as whatever they do means I am able to attend a pee-wee football game or a Meet The Teachers or go to church or to work or to the Culinary Cowboy on a Friday at lunch.

They are the ones ready to fight for me so I can do what I need to do for my children.

They are the ones who get exactly what that means.

They are the ones who get exactly what that means to me.

They are willing to sit with me during.

They are willing to leave with me during.

They are willing to sit with me after, whether I endured it or not.

They are willing to swat everyone else away so that I can make sure my little boy knows his mama is watching.

They are willing to be my protectors to make sure that my little girl knows her mama is present.

They are more than willing.

They are formulating a plan before I know I need a plan.

And they are more than more than more than willing to execute the plan, even and especially when I don’t have a clue there is a plan.

They are willing to be the plan.

They may or may not have been through the exact same thing I have been through.

They may or may not have been through anything close to what I have been through.

They may or may not have been through something similar to what I am going through.

They may not have any comprehension of what I am going through.

Yet.

They are just the ones who don’t have to completely understand to completely understand me.

Because they are my tribe.

So…..

And by all means, let them love you back.