Two Months

Two months ago, you breathed. And then, two months ago, you didn’t.     In the last two months, I’ve gone to bed zero times and woken up one time and you were breathing. In the last two months, I have gone to bed 60 times and woken up 61 times and you weren’t breathing. … Continue reading

Do You Regret It?

Do You Regret It?

Do you regret that decision you made? I hope you do. I have to believe you do. Because there is no way my mind can conceive that if you had thought, really thought, for just a split second that leaving equalled you missing today–today and all of the other todays–that you wouldn’t have made a … Continue reading

Precautions

Last week, I Googled: “going back to work while you are grieving and you are a judge.” Sunday morning, I Googled: “going back to church when you are grieving.” Neither efforts garnered any results. Thus, this post.   This is the thing I’m learning. It all sucks.   When you go through your thing, you … Continue reading

Find Your Tribe

It doesn’t matter than they don’t know exactly how I feel. What matters is they know me.   What matters is, they have known me forever, and they know me better than I know me. They have been through the door for so long, they know they never have to knock. What matters is, even … Continue reading

You Stole My Football

You made a bad call. Every ref in every sport everywhere in the world should be throwing a flag. The air should be full of nothing but whistles. Roughing the passer—barely a shove. Facemask—child’s play. Late hit—just a tap. Your call was the crappiest call of all crappy calls. And you should know. You could … Continue reading

The Door

I have never hated an inanimate object before. But I hate one now.   I hate a door. It is a door to my courtroom. There are 4 of them, but I only hate one. One entrance to the court is a set of 2 doors in the front of my courtroom through which the … Continue reading

Groundhog Day

So, for six weeks and three days, when I wake up, the first thing I think is, “My daddy is still not here.” And then…where the hell is he? And then…when is he coming back? Every. Single. Morning. I am living Groundhog Day, the movie with Bill Murray. If I had an alarm clock, this … Continue reading

What I Remember

You may want to read “Why It is uglyreal…” before you read this post, and then decide if you want to continue.  ____________________________________________________________________________________________ Window in the door to the left of my bench at the court. Susan’s face. Door opening. Kim Henderson beside Susan. The chair underneath me. My legs underneath the bench. My hands … Continue reading

I Am Your Daughter

Before you go any further, if you haven’t, please go back and read the “Why It Is Uglyreal…” on the home page. Then decide if you want to continue, because this post is as uglyreal as it gets.  ____________________________________________________________________________________________ When Anna was born, you said to me: “You’ll always be my little girl.” Liar.   … Continue reading

Are You OK?

Are you ok? People ask me this all the time. To answer, sort of, I usually make some kind of noise and shrug my shoulders. It feels so rude. I hate feeling like I’m being rude, because I don’t think it is “ok” to be rude to people–especially to extremely kind, well-intentioned, loving people. Being … Continue reading